As a child, I was (and still am) severely fascinated by the vary nature of understanding; how and why people understand what they do and that came to be. Though the physical aspect of this has an appeal of its own, it was the psychological and philosophical side that thoroughly captured my young imagination.
In my own way, as I was growing into more and more angst against the circumstances of what I was experiencing around me, I would escape into the world of the mind, my own little oasis where my fascination with how things worked would keep me occupied and distracted from the family fights and stresses that my tween mind didn't yet understand how to deal with. This world of literature, art, math, concepts, was the perfect playground for me, where I especially didn't have to confront the awkwardness and anxiety I had developed at the sudden attraction I was realizing was growing for the girls around me. As I was changing, this world of the mind had the appeal of being concrete, ironically speaking, for the very fact that it was always evolving and through it, I was always realizing more, thus a sense of change, but one that I was in control of instead of being dragged through.
As I imagined many budding rebel children pursue, I started seeking more radical reads and things generally shunned by others, the more an idea or story scared someone, the more I had to know why. This lead me through Wicca, Kaos, Satanism, Nhilism, Rules for Radicals, Buddhism, Taoism, and so many other -isms, all parts of the puzzle that was to become my prism for viewing things. There were so many great ideas, so many great questions and possible answers and even un-answers, but none ever stood out quite like a Buddhistic koan that instantly burned itself into me as a very sage thing to always keep in consideration.
A koan is small story but one who's point to trigger a realization in it's reader. As such, they are generally puzzles that require one's own contemplation to figure out and are usually of a nature that when explained, they lose their value. Sometimes longer, but usually short and to the point, the koan would tell of something that in and of itself didn't mean much until you looked deeper into the story to find that there's a hidden message in it and once the revelation of this message is achieved, the koan's purpose is fulfilled. It's genius. And fascinating. And exciting to know that there are such creative minds that can not only observe the existence of the intangible mindscapes of others, but also play with that mindscape to help craft roads to enlightening states.
In a way, by attempting to use this koan as an analogy or metaphor for the question I wonder about our society, I'm doing those who've never heard of the koan the disservice of ruining and tainting the moment of "Ah HAH!" that comes when they realize it's lesson. For that, I'm sorry. For everyone else who's crying out that I'm butchering the koan, you are right. For that, I'm sorry as well.
Here goes,
To the child, The grass is green, The flowers are red
To the student, The grass is not green, The flowers are not red
To the master, The grass is green, The flowers are red
I'd like to apply this koan to what I see a question we should be asking ourselves as a society, but are not. In the state of our culture and our closeness to our icons, we have dehumanized the notion of icon so much that it's inherently self-destructive.
OOOOH! What if instead of writing this out all boring like, the approach was instead something about How a koan can help us understand the state of our pop-culture. Using reference to the Bill Cosby thing
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
Reflection of 2015 - preamble
There's this voice, deep in the back of my head, that I do my best to keep quiet. I distract myself daily, an almost constant battle of one stagnant waste of life to another, bouncing from games to porn to work to worry to anxiety to anything that keeps me from hearing what it has to say. It's not that it tells me anything bad, per se, but that it tells me I'm meant for more and it calls me out on everything I do.
It's a stupid "I'm special" kind of voice that tries to remind me that I come from a psychic blood line and that I'm supposed to be a warrior in the grand scheme of the war that's happening on this planet right now. Now the wars in the Middle East, or even the War on Terrorism, but the war that is happening between very powerful yet very selfish people who have taken the common flaws of humanity and exploited them to keep the general member of society in a happy bubble of consumeristic 21-century American life style dreams, one that has just enough stress and drama to keep people from ever wanting to look outside of their mental shackles. This voice mocks me for pushing myself so hard to conform to this very lifestyle I despise, by use of numbing it with drugs and video games and grand ambitions outside of my reach, ambitions that I sometimes deceive myself into believing that if I attain, will be the middle ground between this shell of me that walks the days and the hidden me I keep locked up.
It's the hidden me that yearns to be human, in all of it's magical aspects, yet the shell of me just wants to be a member of society and has spent so long learning to silence parts of myself that I know nothing anymore but the act of shutting myself up.
I didn't really realize this until recently when I started trying to express. When I went into the dungeon in my mind to visit the old friend that used to shock and awe others around me, the one that always told me I was lazy and focused on all of the wrong things. I went to see if he would help me speak and all he could say is that 15 years ago, I was on the right track, but then I let the road go in a desperate attempt to have friends with all the wrong people and my own insecurities ate me up and got the better of me to where I had drug myself up to cope and not act out with the angst I was filled with.
Blah. I'm too tired. Too many thoughts are racing by too fast and I can't finish a sentence of one idea before twenty different tangents spawn from it and run their course. And being able to only type a letter at a time, I can't keep up with trying to stick with one path as all of the tangented thoughts have merit and need to be told.
It's time I start a diary. It's time I get back to writing. If anyone is reading this, I apologize now for the horrible way this is all coming across. Hopefully in time, as I practice letting these outbursts of stories flow from me, they will come out with better structure and more focused.
It's a stupid "I'm special" kind of voice that tries to remind me that I come from a psychic blood line and that I'm supposed to be a warrior in the grand scheme of the war that's happening on this planet right now. Now the wars in the Middle East, or even the War on Terrorism, but the war that is happening between very powerful yet very selfish people who have taken the common flaws of humanity and exploited them to keep the general member of society in a happy bubble of consumeristic 21-century American life style dreams, one that has just enough stress and drama to keep people from ever wanting to look outside of their mental shackles. This voice mocks me for pushing myself so hard to conform to this very lifestyle I despise, by use of numbing it with drugs and video games and grand ambitions outside of my reach, ambitions that I sometimes deceive myself into believing that if I attain, will be the middle ground between this shell of me that walks the days and the hidden me I keep locked up.
It's the hidden me that yearns to be human, in all of it's magical aspects, yet the shell of me just wants to be a member of society and has spent so long learning to silence parts of myself that I know nothing anymore but the act of shutting myself up.
I didn't really realize this until recently when I started trying to express. When I went into the dungeon in my mind to visit the old friend that used to shock and awe others around me, the one that always told me I was lazy and focused on all of the wrong things. I went to see if he would help me speak and all he could say is that 15 years ago, I was on the right track, but then I let the road go in a desperate attempt to have friends with all the wrong people and my own insecurities ate me up and got the better of me to where I had drug myself up to cope and not act out with the angst I was filled with.
Blah. I'm too tired. Too many thoughts are racing by too fast and I can't finish a sentence of one idea before twenty different tangents spawn from it and run their course. And being able to only type a letter at a time, I can't keep up with trying to stick with one path as all of the tangented thoughts have merit and need to be told.
It's time I start a diary. It's time I get back to writing. If anyone is reading this, I apologize now for the horrible way this is all coming across. Hopefully in time, as I practice letting these outbursts of stories flow from me, they will come out with better structure and more focused.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Fears, Egos and Pride
Fears, Egos, and Pride
- how one deals with heart ache -
You ever read something & it hits you like a speeding bus
or a realization
It takes you back to times
so innumerable that the clock just doesn't have enough hands
to count?
-That's your gift to me...
Giving away the trick up my sleeve
Like how I held your head under water all the while screaming
about how thirsty I was
I'm sorry for trying to kill you...
Really,
I forgot people can't breathe under water.
The tick of something (is it a bomb?) passes & I think
I think of you like a light Florida sprinkle on a hot sunny day
(where are the clouds?)
The way oil-stained concrete dances as one giant analogue T.V. screen
in slow motion,
Little pools of poisoned rainbows exploding under a stormy
mirror,
and a teasing breeze kisses my sweat just enough to remind me of just
how much I miss winter and the way she would wrap me up to dwell.
-You were also like winter.
Sorry, the radio keeps singing these deadly words to me & I...
I got another story for you.
But I don't think you'll really like it.
It's not any good anyways. I'm telling only you because no matter how
bad my stories are, you love them all the same.
Right now, I need that -
just like I need to find a better way to get the
blood off my shoes.
(Don't take it away from me, I need you to hold on to.)
Here goes:
I was on T.V.
In one of those shows that's supposed to happen to other people -
Not us.
But we laugh anyways.
The scene is a dirty kitchen made to look like it's from a ghetto.
Can you see the cheap-job Makeup did to make me look like -
- like an addict?
(I was born for this role)
See the broken spirit? That's all talent baby.
But I can't seem to get the scene right.
I'm supposed to cry as I drink the whiskey -
(it's in the script)
-but the tears won't come.
The Director screams, "CUT!" & is pissed that I'm fucking up the scene.
So someone sprays my face with onion juice & the tears won't stop.
(Now it's my turn to suffocate. . . .)
Take 28
ACTION!
-I was great....-
(It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine)
After the commercial break, the scene is changed.
You don't know if this is the past or future but that's what keeps you
watching.
This time I'm lying on a beach & the sun is setting.
This fire is no longer confined to the sky.
Makeup dressed me in the loss of ignorance.
Again, Makeup dresses me.
The war paint on my face is from the dragon I killed in last week's episode.
I guess you missed it.
Too bad you don't have TiVo.
I slayed the dragon to save the princess.
I killed for her.
Shot it between the eyes...
...for her.
But when I got to her room in that tower I found -
I found -
I found a theif in her bed.
-CUT! Take five.
estrange \is-tran\ to remove customary environment or associations
estranged \is-tranj\ to arouse esp. mutual enmity or indifference in where there
had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness
"I thought the Princess was my prize."
Hey, I didn't write the script. Just recite the lines, that's what I do.
The waves crash into my face. CGI makes it as violent as a groom
alone at the altar on his wedding day.
or as the the words I once said
"Do you love her?" asks the Buddha on my shoulder.
Hold that look.
Ponder the depths.
"With all my being, my heart beats only for her."
The ratings just went up. The tabloids can't get enough.
None of what they say is true.
"Then love is your prize."
And it's here that romantics swoon & skeptics change the channel.
"But some strange Prince of a Thief is fucking her as we speak. What love is that?!
What meaning am I when her lips taste of his cum?"
Yes, this episode just got dirty, and none can turn away.
I spit
The waves crash harder. Thunder rolls in the distance for effect.
This is where the music changes.
This is where I don't think I'm acting anymore
This is where the audience falls in love with me,
but I don't know how to deal with that.
Buddha: "The Prince has her in his bed. You have her in your heart. As such, your
reward is true love: the only kind. Cherish it as a mother cherishes her child,
cherish it as the gods cherish you. It's hurts only to let you know it's real."
The next few lines are about how I damn the gods.
Words like "unjust"and "other" and apologies for being me.
Even more apologies for not being me.
No one remembers those lines. They were too forced. Too faked. Too...
...close to real.
Then I kill the Buddha & I eat his brain. It doesn't bring me any closer to God.
It just upsets my stomach.
I need a drink.
My stomach hurts a lot these days.
This is love.
This is the Director's, "Great Vision:" Love makes you puke.
Next week's episode, I fight the gods. The outcome is the season finale.
I love my role.
But not as much as I love...
Another commercial break. Another stitch in a hole that doesn't close.
Twilight falls & I load my six shooter.
The end music begins as I walk into the credits.
It's not much of a story but you love it all the same.
I really do suck at this.
And I'm pouring myself a drink.
Because the moon demands blood,
she doesn't care who's.
and war is coming.
This song that plays, it says:
If I don't make it through the night
I want him to caress you, to hold you tight
& kiss away any tears - but don't shed them for me.
Know that as I was drowning, the light was calling me home
that light was you.
He better treat you with the fragile delicacies
of color & cotton candy &
his sweet nothings will see you to those kaleidoscopic fields
where when you dance
nothing else is real.
-FIN
The way of Bob
One's creed in life should always be: whatever the choices presented to you, always choose the path that makes you the lesser asshole in your actions to others, unless the choice presented is to be the action of karma, in which case, be the best the best asshole you can be.
I need to find a way to sum this up better. As it is, it's too long. Ideally, one should always strive to just not be an asshole to others without good (non-selfish) reason. That simple act, shared by everyone, would make the entire world a better place if EVERYONE did it. But alas, for every non-asshole out there, there's a dick ready to find a way to fuck them over one way or another.
This is always turning up as reasons and excuses for so many I discuss this with, and usually always biased in some manner to justify their own overlooking of their own actions which they innately seem to be aware of as possessing assholish tendencies. And it's from these very unseen and unspoken parts of these people that I have made my grander observation that most people are, whether the want to accept it or not, innately good at heart. There definitely are some people who's very nature is to be the counterpart to these decent folk, though, and it's usually from these assholish actions that the seeds of indecision begin to grow in the bruised and broken of the kind hearted. It's as if by seeing the bad in the world, it rise cause for a defensive need to allow one's self to ignore one's own conscience in hopes that they will no longer see themselves as the victims they fear themselves to be in light of the view of oppressing assholish actions.
Ideally, I'd like to believe that as long as we avoid seeing ourselves from a victim/aggresor dichotomy, then we can retain the self assurances that usually support our own confidences in our own abilities to shape the world around us to affect the courses of actions we see ourselves involved in on a daily basis.
(As per whether or not this is an actual truth to the structure of our modern day humanity, I'm still not completely sure of as I myself still struggle with my own crippling issues of insecurity and identity issues. Fortunately, I can brush most of it off as a quality of being the poetic philosopher I am.)
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Monday, October 19, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Friday, October 16, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Friday, October 9, 2015
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
The First Day of Rain in Hawaii
Ah, school. How I do miss you. . .
-The First Day of Rain in Hawaii-
We had been on Maui for almost a week now, settling in to the alien beauty that we were constantly surrounded by. Coming from the city life to such a magically splendourous place was a shock in itself, as the whole of the island seemed to breath in a way that no city scape ever did. Where my eyes were used to the static fixtures of ups and downs and windowed walk ways where cars zipped past to an angry drum, now everywhere I looked was the constant wind breezed sway of foliage and life, breathing its subtle whisper of "welcome."
As had been our routine since day 2, we were out exploring the island, taking in the sites of what we would soon call Home. Only this day, instead of the path towards town that we were quickly getting familiar with, we decided to see what the other path would lead us to.
In what felt like an hour sped by the blink of a sigh, we came through the denser foliage and were greeted with the sight of water. The road was on the side of a cliff and the rocky crags below were drummed violently by crashing waves of the sea. I'd never seen anything like this before and was in awe for a minute, until my instincts kicked in.
Then, true to my nature, to celebrate this new discovery, I ran to the edge of the cliff and proceeded to unzip myself. I heard her say something behind me but was too enamoured by what I was about to do to catch what was said and stairing off at the horizon, I relieved myself unto the ocean from a fifty foot drop in Maui. There was something definitely surreal about the whole experience of knowing that I was peeing where I was but the moment was quickly shattered.
She began to scream from behind me and I tucked and turned, running to her side, "What happened?!" I asked frantic, looking her up and down for any bite wound or the such.
"You peed on me!" she spat back.
"Wait! What?"
It had never occurred to me that the sea breeze hitting the cliff had taken my pee from it's course and thrown it up and over me to rain down on the love of my life. What I didn't know then is that this very lesson would continue to spell the doom of what was supposed to be a fresh new life in the Island of Paradise, Maui.
"I'm so sorry," I told her for the first of many, many times to come.
-The First Day of Rain in Hawaii-
We had been on Maui for almost a week now, settling in to the alien beauty that we were constantly surrounded by. Coming from the city life to such a magically splendourous place was a shock in itself, as the whole of the island seemed to breath in a way that no city scape ever did. Where my eyes were used to the static fixtures of ups and downs and windowed walk ways where cars zipped past to an angry drum, now everywhere I looked was the constant wind breezed sway of foliage and life, breathing its subtle whisper of "welcome."
As had been our routine since day 2, we were out exploring the island, taking in the sites of what we would soon call Home. Only this day, instead of the path towards town that we were quickly getting familiar with, we decided to see what the other path would lead us to.
In what felt like an hour sped by the blink of a sigh, we came through the denser foliage and were greeted with the sight of water. The road was on the side of a cliff and the rocky crags below were drummed violently by crashing waves of the sea. I'd never seen anything like this before and was in awe for a minute, until my instincts kicked in.
Then, true to my nature, to celebrate this new discovery, I ran to the edge of the cliff and proceeded to unzip myself. I heard her say something behind me but was too enamoured by what I was about to do to catch what was said and stairing off at the horizon, I relieved myself unto the ocean from a fifty foot drop in Maui. There was something definitely surreal about the whole experience of knowing that I was peeing where I was but the moment was quickly shattered.
She began to scream from behind me and I tucked and turned, running to her side, "What happened?!" I asked frantic, looking her up and down for any bite wound or the such.
"You peed on me!" she spat back.
"Wait! What?"
It had never occurred to me that the sea breeze hitting the cliff had taken my pee from it's course and thrown it up and over me to rain down on the love of my life. What I didn't know then is that this very lesson would continue to spell the doom of what was supposed to be a fresh new life in the Island of Paradise, Maui.
"I'm so sorry," I told her for the first of many, many times to come.
Monday, October 5, 2015
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Friday, October 2, 2015
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Friday, September 25, 2015
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Monday, September 21, 2015
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Work notes
(11:00 PM) robert e.: morning :D
(11:02 PM) lisa n.: almost huh
(11:02 PM) lisa n.: sorry but you got me for the night
(11:03 PM) robert e.: sounds good
(11:03 PM) robert e.: how you feelin'?
(11:03 PM) robert e.: this is one heck of a double you're pulling
(11:03 PM) lisa n.: I am great
(11:03 PM) lisa n.: How are you
(11:03 PM) robert e.: I'm not well at all
(11:03 PM) lisa n.: almost a triple
(11:04 PM) robert e.: almost indeed
(11:04 PM) lisa n.: what is wrong
(11:04 PM) robert e.: was broken up with mid shift last night
(11:04 PM) lisa n.: what
(11:04 PM) lisa n.: that is so rude
(11:04 PM) lisa n.: did you patch it up yet
(11:04 PM) robert e.: negatory
(11:05 PM) lisa n.: why did she call you at work
(11:05 PM) lisa n.: that is not nice
(11:06 PM) robert e.: she didn't call
(11:06 PM) robert e.: we were texting
(11:06 PM) robert e.: and it was a very pleasant day too
(11:06 PM) robert e.: then out of nowhere, she gets moody ....
(11:06 PM) robert e.: well, we're a long distance relationship
(11:06 PM) robert e.: she lives in another state
(11:07 PM) robert e.: I'm in the middle of making arrangements to move over to her next year
(11:07 PM) robert e.: a few months ago, she flew in and surprised me with a visit
(11:07 PM) robert e.: and from there, we've been trying this
(11:07 PM) robert e.: so she gets moody, or something, and starts accusing me of things that just aren't right
(11:07 PM) lisa n.: Is it Idaho?
(11:07 PM) robert e.: yeah
(11:08 PM) lisa n.: really
(11:08 PM) robert e.: she's got a lot of school and stuff
(11:08 PM) robert e.: so I don't go out of my way to tell her about my problems and fears and struggles
(11:08 PM) robert e.: cuz there's nothing she really can do about it and it will just make her day more stressful, not remove stress from me
(11:08 PM) lisa n.: wow
(11:09 PM) robert e.: but she gets all angry and accuses me of not having any fears
(11:09 PM) lisa n.: didn't think of it that way
(11:09 PM) robert e.: and I tell her that I do but that I'm at work and right now is just not the time to talk about it
(11:09 PM) robert e.: and in response she pulls the whole, "it's just about you! You probably (insert accussation here)"
(11:10 PM) robert e.: mainly things like "hate the fact I have a child" or "are going to screw me over" or whatever fears she has
(11:10 PM) robert e.: and it's not even the fears themselves that get me
(11:10 PM) robert e.: it's the way she degrades everything I've been doing to NOT add more stress to her day that gets to me
(11:10 PM) robert e.: so I blow up
(11:10 PM) robert e.: and tell her all of my fears
(11:10 PM) robert e.: but in a really harsh way
(11:12 PM) robert e.: and one of them is about the way anytime I bring up the fact that last time we started talking about finally giving this relationship thing a shot (we've been talking about it for a decade) not even a week later she hooked up with someone else and it really hurt me and when I tried to tell her how it messed me up, her response was "get over it" and THAT itself bothers me
(11:12 PM) robert e.: the whole "get over it!" thing
(11:12 PM) robert e.: and that's where everything falls apart
(11:12 PM) robert e.: she's so afraid that I won't ever get over it that I will sabatoge the relationship
(11:12 PM) robert e.: so instead, she's jumping the gun and sabatoging it herself
(11:14 PM) lisa n.: did you get over it??
(11:15 PM) robert e.: the fact that she did that, yes, the fact that when I told her it hurt me her response was "so? it was the past, get over it" no
(11:15 PM) robert e.: that kind of response worries me
(11:15 PM) robert e.: and that worry turns into paranoia
(11:16 PM) robert e.: and on top of that, in tandem with the "get over it" was her comments about "oh god, now you're just going to bring it up all the time aren'
(11:16 PM) robert e.: t you? I'm better off just not talking about it"
(11:16 PM) robert e.: and to me, it all seems like it's really more of an issue to her that it's annoying and no where does it seem like the fact I was hurt bothers her
(11:17 PM) robert e.: so I tried to confront it to ask, "did it bother you that that hurt me? that the way you refer to it makes you sound shady?" and she just said, "yeah, sure, whatever. are we past this now?"
(11:18 PM) robert e.: and it's like, "AUGH! That's exactly what is getting to me! Your attitude about it."
(11:18 PM) robert e.: so the talk didn't go well
(11:18 PM) lisa n.: no it did not
(11:19 PM) lisa n.: I do think you need a change
(11:19 PM) lisa n.: I am thinking of the mom stuff
(11:19 PM) lisa n.: has that improved
(11:20 PM) robert e.: not at all
(11:20 PM) robert e.: all morning she
(11:20 PM) robert e.: ...blah
(11:20 PM) robert e.: example
(11:20 PM) robert e.: it's easier to express through examples
(11:21 PM) robert e.: this morning, she was asking me if I'd look up how to grow a certain weed she wanted in her garden on my phone
(11:21 PM) robert e.: but stuttered at the word "phone" and kept saying "thingamajig"
(11:21 PM) robert e.: and when I said "phone"
(11:21 PM) robert e.: she started crying and saying, "I was just trying to be funny. I can't do anything right. I'm a worthless POS"
(11:21 PM) robert e.: and all day has been doing that
(11:22 PM) robert e.: everything she's been saying HAS to be responded to exactly how she wants it responded to or she immediately starts crying
(11:22 PM) robert e.: I just....
(11:22 PM) robert e.: and my roommate
(11:22 PM) robert e.: I tried talking to him
(11:23 PM) robert e.: and the first thing out of his mouth is "Bro, you know what your problem is? It's that you THINK TOO MUCH About everything." and other stuff that basically translated to me as "Your problem is that you're you. If you stop being you, you won't have a problem"
(11:23 PM) robert e.: so I just tried to sleep the day away instead
(11:23 PM) lisa n.: nooo
(11:24 PM) lisa n.: why don't you take your mom over to your brothers for a month or two
(11:24 PM) robert e.: his wife won't allow it
(11:25 PM) robert e.: she's with me now cuz he pulled her out of hte nursing home and my mom started attacking his wife
(11:25 PM) lisa n.: no not good
(11:25 PM) lisa n.: dang that would be a good thing for a while
(11:25 PM) lisa n.: what if you went to Idaho??
(11:25 PM) lisa n.: what would your mom do
(11:26 PM) robert e.: I'm looking for another home to put her in now
(11:26 PM) robert e.: or maybe, since my sister just broke up with her boyfriend, me and my brother can talk her into taking care of mom
(11:26 PM) robert e.: but I hate my sister with a passion
(11:27 PM) robert e.: because of how much more difficult my life with my mom has been due to her
(11:29 PM) robert e.: and all I've asked for is some form of acknowledgement that she gets how her "I'll be there in 5 mins" then not show up for 5 days and my mom spends the next 3 days crying about "everyone hates my and has thrown me away" has been unfair. Her excuse is that because I was an asshole to her regarding something that happened 10 years ago, she's justified in her actions
(11:29 PM) robert e.: ...because 10 years ago, I was a butthead about something...
(11:29 PM) robert e.: it's not fair
(11:30 PM) robert e.: but life isn't fair
(11:30 PM) robert e.: it's just.... so bloody difficult sometimes
(11:02 PM) lisa n.: almost huh
(11:02 PM) lisa n.: sorry but you got me for the night
(11:03 PM) robert e.: sounds good
(11:03 PM) robert e.: how you feelin'?
(11:03 PM) robert e.: this is one heck of a double you're pulling
(11:03 PM) lisa n.: I am great
(11:03 PM) lisa n.: How are you
(11:03 PM) robert e.: I'm not well at all
(11:03 PM) lisa n.: almost a triple
(11:04 PM) robert e.: almost indeed
(11:04 PM) lisa n.: what is wrong
(11:04 PM) robert e.: was broken up with mid shift last night
(11:04 PM) lisa n.: what
(11:04 PM) lisa n.: that is so rude
(11:04 PM) lisa n.: did you patch it up yet
(11:04 PM) robert e.: negatory
(11:05 PM) lisa n.: why did she call you at work
(11:05 PM) lisa n.: that is not nice
(11:06 PM) robert e.: she didn't call
(11:06 PM) robert e.: we were texting
(11:06 PM) robert e.: and it was a very pleasant day too
(11:06 PM) robert e.: then out of nowhere, she gets moody ....
(11:06 PM) robert e.: well, we're a long distance relationship
(11:06 PM) robert e.: she lives in another state
(11:07 PM) robert e.: I'm in the middle of making arrangements to move over to her next year
(11:07 PM) robert e.: a few months ago, she flew in and surprised me with a visit
(11:07 PM) robert e.: and from there, we've been trying this
(11:07 PM) robert e.: so she gets moody, or something, and starts accusing me of things that just aren't right
(11:07 PM) lisa n.: Is it Idaho?
(11:07 PM) robert e.: yeah
(11:08 PM) lisa n.: really
(11:08 PM) robert e.: she's got a lot of school and stuff
(11:08 PM) robert e.: so I don't go out of my way to tell her about my problems and fears and struggles
(11:08 PM) robert e.: cuz there's nothing she really can do about it and it will just make her day more stressful, not remove stress from me
(11:08 PM) lisa n.: wow
(11:09 PM) robert e.: but she gets all angry and accuses me of not having any fears
(11:09 PM) lisa n.: didn't think of it that way
(11:09 PM) robert e.: and I tell her that I do but that I'm at work and right now is just not the time to talk about it
(11:09 PM) robert e.: and in response she pulls the whole, "it's just about you! You probably (insert accussation here)"
(11:10 PM) robert e.: mainly things like "hate the fact I have a child" or "are going to screw me over" or whatever fears she has
(11:10 PM) robert e.: and it's not even the fears themselves that get me
(11:10 PM) robert e.: it's the way she degrades everything I've been doing to NOT add more stress to her day that gets to me
(11:10 PM) robert e.: so I blow up
(11:10 PM) robert e.: and tell her all of my fears
(11:10 PM) robert e.: but in a really harsh way
(11:12 PM) robert e.: and one of them is about the way anytime I bring up the fact that last time we started talking about finally giving this relationship thing a shot (we've been talking about it for a decade) not even a week later she hooked up with someone else and it really hurt me and when I tried to tell her how it messed me up, her response was "get over it" and THAT itself bothers me
(11:12 PM) robert e.: the whole "get over it!" thing
(11:12 PM) robert e.: and that's where everything falls apart
(11:12 PM) robert e.: she's so afraid that I won't ever get over it that I will sabatoge the relationship
(11:12 PM) robert e.: so instead, she's jumping the gun and sabatoging it herself
(11:14 PM) lisa n.: did you get over it??
(11:15 PM) robert e.: the fact that she did that, yes, the fact that when I told her it hurt me her response was "so? it was the past, get over it" no
(11:15 PM) robert e.: that kind of response worries me
(11:15 PM) robert e.: and that worry turns into paranoia
(11:16 PM) robert e.: and on top of that, in tandem with the "get over it" was her comments about "oh god, now you're just going to bring it up all the time aren'
(11:16 PM) robert e.: t you? I'm better off just not talking about it"
(11:16 PM) robert e.: and to me, it all seems like it's really more of an issue to her that it's annoying and no where does it seem like the fact I was hurt bothers her
(11:17 PM) robert e.: so I tried to confront it to ask, "did it bother you that that hurt me? that the way you refer to it makes you sound shady?" and she just said, "yeah, sure, whatever. are we past this now?"
(11:18 PM) robert e.: and it's like, "AUGH! That's exactly what is getting to me! Your attitude about it."
(11:18 PM) robert e.: so the talk didn't go well
(11:18 PM) lisa n.: no it did not
(11:19 PM) lisa n.: I do think you need a change
(11:19 PM) lisa n.: I am thinking of the mom stuff
(11:19 PM) lisa n.: has that improved
(11:20 PM) robert e.: not at all
(11:20 PM) robert e.: all morning she
(11:20 PM) robert e.: ...blah
(11:20 PM) robert e.: example
(11:20 PM) robert e.: it's easier to express through examples
(11:21 PM) robert e.: this morning, she was asking me if I'd look up how to grow a certain weed she wanted in her garden on my phone
(11:21 PM) robert e.: but stuttered at the word "phone" and kept saying "thingamajig"
(11:21 PM) robert e.: and when I said "phone"
(11:21 PM) robert e.: she started crying and saying, "I was just trying to be funny. I can't do anything right. I'm a worthless POS"
(11:21 PM) robert e.: and all day has been doing that
(11:22 PM) robert e.: everything she's been saying HAS to be responded to exactly how she wants it responded to or she immediately starts crying
(11:22 PM) robert e.: I just....
(11:22 PM) robert e.: and my roommate
(11:22 PM) robert e.: I tried talking to him
(11:23 PM) robert e.: and the first thing out of his mouth is "Bro, you know what your problem is? It's that you THINK TOO MUCH About everything." and other stuff that basically translated to me as "Your problem is that you're you. If you stop being you, you won't have a problem"
(11:23 PM) robert e.: so I just tried to sleep the day away instead
(11:23 PM) lisa n.: nooo
(11:24 PM) lisa n.: why don't you take your mom over to your brothers for a month or two
(11:24 PM) robert e.: his wife won't allow it
(11:25 PM) robert e.: she's with me now cuz he pulled her out of hte nursing home and my mom started attacking his wife
(11:25 PM) lisa n.: no not good
(11:25 PM) lisa n.: dang that would be a good thing for a while
(11:25 PM) lisa n.: what if you went to Idaho??
(11:25 PM) lisa n.: what would your mom do
(11:26 PM) robert e.: I'm looking for another home to put her in now
(11:26 PM) robert e.: or maybe, since my sister just broke up with her boyfriend, me and my brother can talk her into taking care of mom
(11:26 PM) robert e.: but I hate my sister with a passion
(11:27 PM) robert e.: because of how much more difficult my life with my mom has been due to her
(11:29 PM) robert e.: and all I've asked for is some form of acknowledgement that she gets how her "I'll be there in 5 mins" then not show up for 5 days and my mom spends the next 3 days crying about "everyone hates my and has thrown me away" has been unfair. Her excuse is that because I was an asshole to her regarding something that happened 10 years ago, she's justified in her actions
(11:29 PM) robert e.: ...because 10 years ago, I was a butthead about something...
(11:29 PM) robert e.: it's not fair
(11:30 PM) robert e.: but life isn't fair
(11:30 PM) robert e.: it's just.... so bloody difficult sometimes
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Friday, August 21, 2015
Monday, August 17, 2015
Friday, August 14, 2015
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Monday, August 3, 2015
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Words for the coming generations....
http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Time for something new.....?
Check, check, are you really there? Is there others like me who can't seem to overcome themselves and spend more time hiding in the forgetfulness of escape rather than run gloriously on those green fields that look so appealing from afar, yet the closer the get, the more the bright light hurts my eyes.
Ah bugger.
As I wrote on Facebook:
Well, aint this some straight up fuckery for a few of you out there. I'm not on food stamps though it would help out so much, I mean energy drinks that I consume faster than most people breath air don't buy themselves, but I know more people who can't afford to not have the SNAPs benefits than I do those without. And from taking a poll on just the people I know, far more of them ON the benefits work twice as hard and are twice as devoted to trying to live a normal life than those who aren't on and ridicule everyone else who isn't as fortunate. Usually, those who pick on the less fortunate are also those who tend the be the most spoiled and lazy about their place in life.
Ah bugger.
As I wrote on Facebook:
Well, aint this some straight up fuckery for a few of you out there. I'm not on food stamps though it would help out so much, I mean energy drinks that I consume faster than most people breath air don't buy themselves, but I know more people who can't afford to not have the SNAPs benefits than I do those without. And from taking a poll on just the people I know, far more of them ON the benefits work twice as hard and are twice as devoted to trying to live a normal life than those who aren't on and ridicule everyone else who isn't as fortunate. Usually, those who pick on the less fortunate are also those who tend the be the most spoiled and lazy about their place in life.
If jobs were more available, this wouldn't be as bad of an issue. Hell, if people looked past shallow headlines and actually asked what it really means to not have steady livable income, then I want to believe that more people would willingly get involved in proactive community-based functions that assist others.
But most people don't and honestly, they can't be blamed. There's already enough shit in most people's lives that more than rob them of all their precious hours so it's unfair to condemn anyone for not willingly pursue finding more problems to solve without life-altering motivation.
I just wonder......who amongst the problem solvers out there are willing to try to solve some of the bigger problems that happen to "other people" before they themselves become those "other people." I'm sure if you were on the other side of the fence, you'd look for the heroes that you yourself could already be."
-with link to Food Stamp Article
It's here I go out of my way to attempt to be short and brief, but fail horribly. I want so much to just touch people in that spot that makes them stop and self-reflect.... but that really is no easy task. Most people, especially on Facebook, are engaged in interweb connections to avoid self-reflecting moments. I know, this is a horribly biased statement, but I feel it is resoundingly on point with why people dive into the web: to lose themselves from the reality around them. In a way, we can build up a different mental model of how the world is when we take on information from whatever page it is that we're engaged in and that different mental model gives us different tasks and threats and burdens and rewards, it in effect makes us feel like a different person altogether. And it's usually from here that most people grow some attachment to whatever new mental image of themselves they feel and try and wear that as a mask throughout the day. The more reality around them doesn't conform to that mask, the more they will escape from reality into whatever catalystic-medium helped them compose the mask.
But to go back to the point of the foodstamps, I did have an idea for a way to assist those who are homeless. I don't really know the merits of whether it would function successfully or not, as I still haven't found a proper way to distinguish whether a person will ultimately choose to be contributing in a positive way or be a selfish threat to others. Should it work though, it would be pretty bloody neat.
My idea is that if I ever come upon a million dollars (or whatever absurd amount is necessary to make things like this happen) then I would purchase an entire apartment complex, preferably one that isn't already occupied and I would completely renovate it to install the following:
- Solar panels for power
- Gardens of edible fauna all throughout
- A recycling system as seen in .... actually, just about anything from THIS
Ok, so now that the whole complex is an almost self-sustaining creation, I would then try and fill the place with the homeless BUT only if they meet a certain criteria. They would have to assist in maintaining the garden and the upkeep of the complex or even just be a cook, handyman, janitor, whatever for the complex, each person assigned to roles designated by a rotation system that allowed those who wanted more specialty on any given task to take more days of involvement but would also mandate that everyone do at least something. They would have to actively be attending some form of schooling, even if it's just something like Coursera, or similar. They don't have to be taking full time college classes, but there must be some form of schooling happening and the incentive to do well at this schooling is that if they don't push themselves to learn more, then they can not stay at this complex. And lastly, everyone must know everyone else. There will be bi-weekly gatherings where everyone in the complex can come together and be directed to suggest ideas for either employment or entrepreneurial investments that they can work together to create. Not everyone has to succeed, but everyone has to attend and has to take a moment to express an idea on something. This keeps everyone familiar with each other enough to hopefully avoid any issues with gang formations or general deception amongst each other. This would also allow people who are feeling hopeless and directionless on the streets to be off the streets and with goals and direction. If I could also slip in one of Edward Leedskalnin's devices, then we could effectively be completely off the grid and I would have my own little commune.
I'm getting tired and sleep is calling me.
I've thought this out enough to assume that if the city or the state came after the complex due to the lack of utility usage, using the media and showcasing "Big Utility Company Tries to Shut Down Homeless Shelter" might actually spread this idea out to where others attempt it too. Especially if it succeeds in creating new jobs for those who initially started out homeless and penniless. The fact that this complex is benefiting both those who inhabit it (with shelter, communion, a new life, a purpose) and the very city they came from (less homeless people on the streets, more jobs being created, more people actively pursuing solving problems instead of pursuing making new ones) should be enough of a public sway to gain a momentous following and public sympathy against big business. But then again, there is too much money in making sure people stay miserable so I do fear that if this ever was pulled off, there would be those who would go out of their way to try and destroy it or discredit it or worse, turn it into a horrible fiasco of unfortunate fuckery.
Maybe I should write a proposal about this and if ever I get the income to even start the seed of this, push for it and see what happens. No Bob, scratch the "maybe" and just go ahead and put it on your bucket list as something you will at least help influence into existence before you die. That's a better way of looking at it.
Well, before I sign off for now, I must address to myself the things that must be done sooner than later:
- P601
- spend more time w/ Nadia (cuz holy fuck was she looking smexy when I saw her, but I'm pretty sure she did that on purpose, and dammit it worked)
- Lucid Life
- TV show
- 50 Shades of Neon
- write your stories
- make your comic
- learn to let go of the anxiety and say "fuck it" again like you used to
- remember how to let go and just be
Til the next round.
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