Fears, Egos and Pride

Fears, Egos, and Pride
- how one deals with heart ache -

You ever read something & it hits you like a speeding bus
or a realization
It takes you back to times
so innumerable that the clock just doesn't have enough hands
to count?
-That's your gift to me...

Giving away the trick up my sleeve

Like how I held your head under water all the while screaming
about how thirsty I was
I'm sorry for trying to kill you...
Really,
    I forgot people can't breathe under water.

The tick of something (is it a bomb?) passes & I think
I think of you like a light Florida sprinkle on a hot sunny day
(where are the clouds?)
The way oil-stained concrete dances as one giant analogue T.V. screen
in slow motion,
Little pools of poisoned rainbows exploding under a stormy
mirror,
and a teasing breeze kisses my sweat just enough to remind me of just
     how much I miss winter and the way she would wrap me up to dwell.

            -You were also like winter.

Sorry, the radio keeps singing these deadly words to me & I...

I got another story for you.
          But I don't think you'll really like it.
It's not any good anyways. I'm telling only you because no matter how
bad my stories are, you love them all the same.
Right now, I need that -
just like I need to find a better way to get the
blood off my shoes.

   (Don't take it away from me, I need you to hold on to.)

Here goes:
              I was on T.V.
In one of those shows that's supposed to happen to other people -
          Not us.
          But we laugh anyways.

The scene is a dirty kitchen made to look like it's from a ghetto.
Can you see the cheap-job Makeup did to make me look like -
- like an addict?
       (I was born for this role)
See the broken spirit? That's all talent baby.
But I can't seem to get the scene right.
I'm supposed to cry as I drink the whiskey -
      (it's in the script)
-but the tears won't come.
The Director screams, "CUT!" & is pissed that I'm fucking up the scene.
So someone sprays my face with onion juice & the tears won't stop.
   (Now it's my turn to suffocate. . . .)

Take 28

               ACTION!
-I was great....-

(It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine)

After the commercial break, the scene is changed.
You don't know if this is the past or future but that's what keeps you
        watching.

This time I'm lying on a beach & the sun is setting.
This fire is no longer confined to the sky.
Makeup dressed me in the loss of ignorance.
Again, Makeup dresses me.
The war paint on my face is from the dragon I killed in last week's episode.
I guess you missed it.
Too bad you don't have TiVo.

I slayed the dragon to save the princess.
I killed for her.
Shot it between the eyes...
          ...for her.
But when I got to her room in that tower I found -
I found -
I found a theif in her bed.

-CUT! Take five.

estrange \is-tran\ to remove customary environment or associations
estranged \is-tranj\ to arouse esp. mutual enmity or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness

"I thought the Princess was my prize."
Hey, I didn't write the script. Just recite the lines, that's what I do.
The waves crash into my face. CGI makes it as violent as a groom
alone at the altar on his wedding day.
or as the the words I once said

"Do you love her?" asks the Buddha on my shoulder.

Hold that look.
Ponder the depths.

"With all my being, my heart beats only for her."
The ratings just went up. The tabloids can't get enough.
None of what they say is true.

"Then love is your prize."

And it's here that romantics swoon & skeptics change the channel.
"But some strange Prince of a Thief is fucking her as we speak. What love is that?!
             What meaning am I when her lips taste of his cum?"

Yes, this episode just got dirty, and none can turn away.
I spit

The waves crash harder. Thunder rolls in the distance for effect.
  This is where the music changes.
    This is where I don't think I'm acting anymore
This is where the audience falls in love with me,
        but I don't know how to deal with that.

Buddha: "The Prince has her in his bed. You have her in your heart. As such, your
   reward is true love: the only kind. Cherish it as a mother cherishes her child,
                   cherish it as the gods cherish you. It's hurts only to let you know it's real."

The next few lines are about how I damn the gods.
Words like "unjust"and "other" and apologies for being me.
Even more apologies for not being me.
No one remembers those lines. They were too forced. Too faked. Too...
...close to real.

Then I kill the Buddha & I eat his brain. It doesn't bring me any closer to God.
It just upsets my stomach.

I need a drink.
My stomach hurts a lot these days.

This is love.

This is the Director's, "Great Vision:" Love makes you puke.

Next week's episode, I fight the gods. The outcome is the season finale.
            I love my role.
   But not as much as I love...

Another commercial break. Another stitch in a hole that doesn't close.
Twilight falls & I load my six shooter.
The end music begins as I walk into the credits.

It's not much of a story but you love it all the same.
        I really do suck at this.
And I'm pouring myself a drink.
Because the moon demands blood,
she doesn't care who's.
and war is coming.

This song that plays, it says:
If I don't make it through the night
      I want him to caress you, to hold you tight
    & kiss away any tears - but don't shed them for me.
             Know that as I was drowning, the light was calling me home
        that light was you.
                  He better treat you with the fragile delicacies
            of color & cotton candy &
                          his sweet nothings will see you to those kaleidoscopic fields
where when you dance
                                                                                     nothing else is real.
-FIN